Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
