I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
