Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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