I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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