I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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