Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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