Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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