how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
