he was CRYING into my vagina
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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