bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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