the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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