I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
