i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How's work?
Spinning.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
