Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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