The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
