Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
