Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
