Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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