you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sober January is a disaster.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
