I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
