someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Randomize
