I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
