Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
