New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
