Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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