Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
