Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
