So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
