I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
