yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
