When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
