I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
