Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
