i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I currently don't understand fingers.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
