his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
