So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
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