The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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