Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Couch. On fire.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
