During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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