If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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