she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
