we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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