Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
