it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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