my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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