Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
