Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
