I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
