my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
