I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
